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 The shapeshifter

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PostSubject: The shapeshifter   Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:47 am

Chapter 1:Memories
I looked around everything was so white and sanitary in this 'hospital'
yeah right! I knew better this was a prison not a hospital. A prison
for all the rejected GMTS`s or Genetic Mutation Test Subjects. We all
had super powers or something like that. Mine was shape-shifting. Others
had flight, Gills. All types of crazy things!

World War 6 had
started all this. It had been going on since 2513! The U.S. and other
countries had been trying to sucessfully mutate humans since the
beginning of the war, to be slaves, to be living weapons. When people
started dissapearing around 2534 people started to worry about their
families and started rebbeling against the governments. A few people had
been hopeful back in 2576 that the war would end. No one even remebered
why it was started. They just kept fighting. Some people had resorted
to calling it The Never Ending War. Some people had a conspiracy theory
going that the war was started when France discovered a new planet that
could be colonized. But then China went on and claimed they discovered
it first but hadn't said so to keep it secret. So soon every nation on
planet Earth was claiming they had the right to colonize it because they
had found it and this theory about the war was believed by most people
until 2689. Then people started losing hope and nobody cared who had
found the planet first the just wanted to leave Earth and escape from
the war, to restart life.
I had been one of the first few succesful
GMTS`s. But I had tried to escape to many times. I hadn't cooperated correctly according to them. They had made us 'enhanced beings' so that we lived much, much longer than the regular human would. About 100 something years was how long they expected most of us to live. I was
about 11 at the time I heard that. Now I was older though. I was 26.
Supposedly we aged slower to. No one had seen any humans for a while...
All of the scientists and other workers were robots for safety reasons
or something like that.None of us GMT's even knew if we were on Earth or
some other planet. No one knew the exact location. But wherever this
place was I would escape. Maybe tommorow maybe in a few years, I didn't
know when but I knew I would escape eventually. I just knew!

(I copied and pasted this from my DA account. I'm too lazy to re-write the story XD I might make another chapeter but I dunno. I wrote this for a literature assignment, but it never got turned in due to a tornado.)
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PostSubject: Re: The shapeshifter   Wed Jul 04, 2012 10:19 am

Please continue, this is a very good start. It reminds me a bit of 1984, which is a brilliant novel by George Orwell. Anyways, aside from some small spelling and grammar mistakes, I'd like to see more Razz
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PostSubject: Re: The shapeshifter   Wed Jul 04, 2012 12:42 pm

Thank you ^-^
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Wolf Gender :
Wolf Age : 2 years
Deputy
Crush On : Perhaps Fang
Mate : No one
The Council
Health :
200 / 100200 / 100

Experience :
200 / 200200 / 200

Strength :
180 / 200180 / 200

Speed :
180 / 200180 / 200

Agility :
180 / 200180 / 200

Wisdom :
180 / 200180 / 200

Dominant's Trust :
200 / 200200 / 200

Reputation : 7


PostSubject: Re: The shapeshifter   Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:55 pm

Tell me when you got the next chapter up. Razz And also, your reply should have at least three words or others might see it as spam.
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PostSubject: Re: The shapeshifter   Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:26 am

It looks interesting. Though, there are a few common errors here. Like misspelled words and too lacking the last O. Anyway, I'll start from the first paragraph.

I looked around everything was so white and sanitary in this 'hospital'
yeah right! I knew better this was a prison not a hospital. A prison
for all the rejected GMTS`s or Genetic Mutation Test Subjects. We all
had super powers or something like that. Mine was shape-shifting. Others
had flight, Gills. All types of crazy things!


All right, we don't know who's narrating, we have no actual idea of what the narrator is, or who it is, or if it's a girl or a boy at this point. That's not really good... And this isn't a story where you're supposed to imagine you're the main character, am I right? Well, the main character should have an identity from the start, so I'm imagining a blank figure as the main character because I have no idea what form it takes. And single quotations wouldn't be used around "hospital" since it's outside of dialogue. After "hospital", there should be a comma before the "yeah". And I forgot, after "I looked around", there should be a comma too. xP When you combine sentences (or clauses), you have to include a comma. Next sentence. After "I knew better" should be a period to avoid run-on sentences. After "prison", there should be a comma. Next. "GMTS`s" is incorrect. "GMTSs" is. You don't use a single quotation or one of these little buggers ` in plural. After the acronym, you put a comma. Next two sentences are a-okay. Now, the next two I have an issue with. Instead of "Others
had flight, Gills. All types of crazy things!", you could have written "Others had flight, gills, all types of crazy things!" The G in "gills" isn't capitalised because it isn't a name, an acronym, or the beginning of a sentence. And the beginning of a new sentence was unnecessary as it makes the whole thing sound awkward.

World War 6 had
started all this. It had been going on since 2513! The U.S. and other
countries had been trying to sucessfully mutate humans since the
beginning of the war, to be slaves, to be living weapons. When people
started dissapearing around 2534 people started to worry about their
families and started rebbeling against the governments. A few people had
been hopeful back in 2576 that the war would end. No one even remebered
why it was started. They just kept fighting. Some people had resorted
to calling it The Never Ending War. Some people had a conspiracy theory
going that the war was started when France discovered a new planet that
could be colonized. But then China went on and claimed they discovered
it first but hadn't said so to keep it secret. So soon every nation on
planet Earth was claiming they had the right to colonize it because they
had found it and this theory about the war was believed by most people
until 2689. Then people started losing hope and nobody cared who had
found the planet first the just wanted to leave Earth and escape from
the war, to restart life.


First off, after "World War 6 had" you didn't need to start a new line. o: And successfully is spelt wrong. Comma after war is unnecessary. Disappearing is spelt wrong... After the date 2534, you need a comma since you're adding a clause. Rebelling is spelled wrong. The "so" in "so soon" isn't needed. After first should be a comma. And why is they spelled "the"? And the comma doesn't need to be there after war.

I had been one of the first few succesful
GMTS`s. But I had tried to escape to many times. I hadn't cooperated correctly according to them. They had made us 'enhanced beings' so that we lived much, much longer than the regular human would. About 100 something years was how long they expected most of us to live. I was
about 11 at the time I heard that. Now I was older though. I was 26.
Supposedly we aged slower to. No one had seen any humans for a while...
All of the scientists and other workers were robots for safety reasons
or something like that.None of us GMT's even knew if we were on Earth or
some other planet. No one knew the exact location. But wherever this
place was I would escape. Maybe tommorow maybe in a few years, I didn't
know when but I knew I would escape eventually. I just knew!


Successful, not succesful. Again with the "GMTS`s"... The "to" after escape should be "too". After correctly should be a comma. The single quotations around "enhanced beings" should be double quotations. And now we finally know what form the narrator is. xP And the new line after "was" in "I was about 11" isn't necessary. And "Now I was older"? lolwut? Do you mean "now I am older"? "I was 26" is okay, though. And comma after supposedly. To should be too. Space after the period between "that" and "None". And be consistent with your acronyms. "GMT's" should be "GMTSs". After "But wherever this place was" should be a comma. And it should be "is" unless this is a flashback? After tomorrow (which you spelled wrong) should be a comma.

You have a good idea, and you seem to be on the same general page as I was when I started writing. No flow at all and overall bad technique, but a good idea. Your idea of an apocalyptic world is interesting, but you don't write it very well. This seems to be more of a diary than story with a plot so far, but it's apparent that there's a dark plot, which is intriguing. I do encourage you to practise and you'll eventually get better. Your plots will mature, your technique will get better, and you'll eventually have a set style. :3 I really would like to see more, and if I seemed a bit... abrasive, I didn't mean to be and I'm sorry.
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PostSubject: Re: The shapeshifter   Thu Jul 05, 2012 4:55 am

Abrasive? You were very helpful! I like to hear people's opinions so I can try to improve. I usually don't improve though. Neutral
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