The Forest Shadow Pack
The Forest Shadow Pack where you can do more than role-play a wolf. Join us and expect lots of fun!

Loose yourselves in a whole new world where you can forget about your everyday life for a moment!


The forst seamed silent and lifeless, but don't be fooled. Look around carefully, do you see the glint of eyes among the trees? Can you feel the pack watching and waiting silently?
 
HomeCalendarFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in
We are doing some site changes and things although if you would like to join us still, you may. Please be patient with our work! Razzu Deputy/Admin
RP TIME
Time in Hong Kong:
Search
 
 

Display results as :
 
Rechercher Advanced Search
Log in
Username:
Password:
Log in automatically: 
:: I forgot my password
Latest topics
» The High Rock
Fri Jul 05, 2013 2:14 pm by Razzu

» The four clans
Tue Dec 25, 2012 4:01 pm by Fang

» The Golden Prairies
Thu Nov 15, 2012 9:59 pm by Wind

» Lupus Mons Montis
Wed Nov 07, 2012 7:21 pm by Wind

September 2017
MonTueWedThuFriSatSun
    123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930 
CalendarCalendar
Top posting users this month
Top posters
Rezsia
 
Razzu
 
Aura
 
Fang
 
Miller
 
Wind
 
Tammer
 
Brookelle
 
Tykhe
 
Grimm
 

Share | 
 

 The Journey of Fey

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Aura

avatar

Wolf Gender :
Wolf Age : 2 year
Hofrorns
Crush On : Razzu
Mate : Razzu
Open Forest Clan
Health :
100 / 100100 / 100

Experience :
0 / 2000 / 200

Strength :
20 / 20020 / 200

Speed :
50 / 20050 / 200

Agility :
45 / 20045 / 200

Wisdom :
30 / 20030 / 200

Dominant's Trust :
29 / 20029 / 200

Reputation : 3


PostSubject: The Journey of Fey   Tue Jul 17, 2012 9:04 am

A lone Oak tree stood tall and proud in the center of a large stretch of farmland as far as the eyes could see. The air was hot and humid almost to stifiling for the farmers to go out and check there crops. They flitted in and out of the crops checking to make sure they were growing well. They all were worried about the crops because it was the middle of the summer and there had been so little rain. None were aware of a lone girl that sat on a large branch of the oak tree her long legs swinging in front of her as she looked over the land with her dark green eyes. Her long blonde hair castcaded behind her reaching almost to the middle of her calf. She wore a short light green summer dress with no straps. She sighed as she watched the humans flit around the crops like the worker bee's that resided in her tree. Her hand slowly ran over the bark of the tree as it seemed to wripple under touch like a pleased cat being pet. She watched the humans until the sun began to set and they all left returning to there villige out of sight. The girl ran her hand over the tree one more time before jumping from her branch. She took a dark cloak from a lower branch of the tree and pulled it over her shoulders. She tied the two strings in the front and pulled the hood over her head hiding her hair and face. She bid one more fair well to her dear tree and started toward the village.

(Just the begining of my story review and tell me if you wish me to continue.)
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Razzu
Admin
avatar

Wolf Gender :
Wolf Age : 2
Gierows
Crush On : Aura
Mate : He has someone
The Council
Health :
100 / 100100 / 100

Experience :
30 / 20030 / 200

Strength :
120 / 200120 / 200

Speed :
20 / 20020 / 200

Agility :
20 / 20020 / 200

Wisdom :
40 / 20040 / 200

Dominant's Trust :
80 / 20080 / 200

Reputation : 0


PostSubject: Re: The Journey of Fey   Tue Jul 17, 2012 9:25 am

I like it.More please Very Happy
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Rezsia
Admin
avatar

Wolf Gender :
Wolf Age : 2 years
Deputy
Crush On : Perhaps Fang
Mate : No one
The Council
Health :
200 / 100200 / 100

Experience :
200 / 200200 / 200

Strength :
180 / 200180 / 200

Speed :
180 / 200180 / 200

Agility :
180 / 200180 / 200

Wisdom :
180 / 200180 / 200

Dominant's Trust :
200 / 200200 / 200

Reputation : 7


PostSubject: Re: The Journey of Fey   Tue Jul 17, 2012 11:11 am

Ohhh, very nice Aura Razz And welcome back Razz
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://forestshadow.findtalk.biz
Guest
Guest



PostSubject: Re: The Journey of Fey   Wed Jul 18, 2012 1:53 am

Mkay, interesting prologue.

1: When writing a story, if you include author's notes, (A/N) you do not write parenthesis. Instead, you include a line break (or what's closest to one you could use, like a simple hyphen) and, this is optional, add write "A/N:" and add your note.

2: For the overview, I will include lines from the story.

A lone Oak tree stood tall and proud in the center of a large stretch of farmland as far as the eyes could see.

"Oak" here is not a name, thus, it shan't be capitalised. The phrase is "as far as the eye could see", by the way.

The air was hot and humid almost to stifiling for the farmers to go out and check there crops. They flitted in and out of the crops checking to make sure they were growing well.

Comma after humid, and "stifling" is spelt incorrectly. The wrong "to" is used, as "too" should be there, as in "he's much too strong for me to overcome alone." After crops, a comma ought to be there.

They all were worried about the crops because it was the middle of the summer and there had been so little rain.

Sentence here is okay.

None were aware of a lone girl that sat on a large branch of the oak tree her long legs swinging in front of her as she looked over the land with her dark green eyes.

Comma after tree. Obvious protagonist here, and of course, a girl. Because it's always female.

Her long blonde hair castcaded behind her reaching almost to the middle of her calf.

Cascade, not castcade. Comma after her, and calves rather than calf. You don't have just one of those... unless you lost your leg.

She wore a short light green summer dress with no straps.


Mhm. This here is okay.

She sighed as she watched the humans flit around the crops like the worker bee's that resided in her tree.

Why "humans"? Is she an alien or animal...? But she just got a human-like description! And bees, not bee's. Bee's is possessive. And why is she in a tree with bees in it?

Her hand slowly ran over the bark of the tree as it seemed to wripple under touch like a pleased cat being pet.


...wripple? What.

She watched the humans until the sun began to set and they all left returning to there villige out of sight.

..again with the humans. People would have been better, or better yet, farmers. And village.

The girl ran her hand over the tree one more time before jumping from her branch.

No comment.

She took a dark cloak from a lower branch of the tree and pulled it over her shoulders.


I wonder where that cloak came from? How did no one even notice it if it was hanging around on a tree? Otherwise, decent. ...But vague.

She tied the two strings in the front and pulled the hood over her head hiding her hair and face.

Comma after head, please. And why does she even need a cloak? Is she a criminal or something? Why is there no reason stated?

She bid one more fair well to her dear tree and started toward the village.

Farewell, not fair well. And if you knew how to spell "village", why didn't you go back to the misspelt sentence and fix it?

And if you want to continue, that is your decision, not mine. But I would like you to continue, as there are so many open ends, and sorry if I was abrasive in any way.
Back to top Go down
Razzu
Admin
avatar

Wolf Gender :
Wolf Age : 2
Gierows
Crush On : Aura
Mate : He has someone
The Council
Health :
100 / 100100 / 100

Experience :
30 / 20030 / 200

Strength :
120 / 200120 / 200

Speed :
20 / 20020 / 200

Agility :
20 / 20020 / 200

Wisdom :
40 / 20040 / 200

Dominant's Trust :
80 / 20080 / 200

Reputation : 0


PostSubject: Re: The Journey of Fey   Wed Jul 18, 2012 7:24 am

Awe leave her alone Tanuki.I would have done the same thing.No one is perfect and it's not like it's out publicly.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Guest
Guest



PostSubject: Re: The Journey of Fey   Thu Jul 19, 2012 9:42 am

I wasn't picking on her, though. xP Pointing out mistakes in spelling and grammar is more useful than a comment about how awesome a story is or how author must continue. Those are useless comments. After all, shouldn't a writer seek improvement? Despite it being abrasive to bluntly point out "you spelled this and that incorrectly" or "you need more substance," it's still better than saying "Good job! I want you to continue!" It's the author's choice to continue. And shouldn't a writer want to improve?

If I were picking on Aura's writing, I would just say "This is horrible/mediocre." Instead, I point out errors.

Perhaps I could have worded it... er... kindlier. But blunt I wouldn't really... uh... be all nice and sweet about someone's errors. Note of writing: REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW. Check for spelling errors before you press that submit button. That is all, chaps.

Another random useless note: Ego-stroking is bad. Horrible. Way worse than pointing out errors.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: The Journey of Fey   

Back to top Go down
 
The Journey of Fey
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» The Journey Through Omashu
» Journey
» A long journey
» My Magical Journey
» Wonder Woman: A Hero's Journey

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
The Forest Shadow Pack :: Leisure :: Art Section :: Literature-
Jump to: